Here’s how this usually works for me.
I make a commitment. And I have all the best intentions. Always. When I say ‘yes,’ I think “Oh, what a joy this will be!” Or some such happy, warm, comforting, fuzzy thought. Sometimes, even deeper down, I’m thinking “And so-and-so (the person I just told yes) will like me.” Both of those statements, the joy and the liking seem oh-so-true in the happy yes-moment.
Later comes the damn-moment. As in “Damn, I said ‘yes to that?!? WTbleep was I thinking?” No joy. No warm comforting fuzzy. No liking. And that’s when I start thinking that so-and-so, the lovely kind soul to whom I was so generous will be angry with me.
My logic is: Said yes. Didn’t follow through yet. Haven’t heard from so-and-so. That means so-and-so is pissed off at me.
This is why I go into avoidance mode. I mean, who wouldn’t? It’s a rock and a hard place. Finish project while thinking about facing the imagined-angry person with the late but done commitment. Or…avoid said commitment like the plague so as to delay the moment of coming in contact with the imagined-angry person. Both of these flawed strategies of mine revolve around the same thing: fear.
My fear is not protecting me from anything.
In the above avoidance mode scenario, these both end the same way: angry so-and-so. If my assumption is correct–never mind that I’m often totally wrong about this–avoiding so-and-so will not make them less angry. If anything, it makes it worse. So my fear doesn’t protect me from their anger. Quite the opposite: it gives so-and-so a really good reason to get pissed by dragging the whole miserable thing out.
I revisited this yes-damn-fear-anger thing this week when I sat my rear-end down and reviewed all the Fixed Schedule Productivity materials posts written my friend, Cal Newport (he was a guest on the Virtual Study Group, so we’re pals now, right?). Of the four items that landed on the projects purge list, three were overdue commitments to imagined angry so-and-sos.
Reminding myself that my fear wasn’t protecting me from anything, I pounded through two of the three and sent them off. I tried not to grovel about how sorry I was (ok, I groveled a little maybe). And lo! I got nice emails back thanking me for what I’d done. And they sounded quite sincere–not put on nice-nice. LIke maybe nobody was made at me. Imagine that!
What about you? Does this kind of avoidance scenario sound familiar? What’s one project you could complete and face the music on right now? Get ‘er done–your fear is not protecting you from anything.
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