It’s a weird sort of paradox: There’s this thing I want to have done. I have no desire to work on it. I’m not alone in this endless loop of “wanna-don’t-wanna.” I talk to people all the time who say the same thing.
“I want to complete all these projects,” they lament. “And I don’t want to work on any of them!”
Experts on procrastination have some theories about why folks like me delay the desirable and put off until who-knows-when what could get done today. “These people would rather be accused of lacking effort that lacking ability,” says Joseph Ferrari. Ferrari is a professor at DePaul University who studies procrastinators. He calls them by the warm little moniker: “procs.”
Quoted a recent NY Times article, Ferrari opines that procs are thinking some thing like, “…the idea is “If I never finish, I can never be judged.” And the fear of success can stop procs, too. “If I do well, you might expect more from me next time, and I don’t know if I can come through,” he quotes his imaginary procrastinator.
To Professor Ferrari, I say: bullshit.
When I’m in the wanna-don’t-wanna loop, I never find myself thinking about avoiding criticism or fearing increased expectations. I have Achiever as one of my StrengthsFinder themes, for goodness sake! I love it when people marvel at how much I can get done. (And for the record, the fastest way to piss me off is to call me lazy. ‘Lacking effort’ is fightin’ words in my book.)
Nope, when I’m procrastinating, what I find myself thinking is that I have all the time in the world. Nothing like the combined impact of a big “oh” birthday and losing a cherished same-age friend to nip that shit in the bud.
Let me back up. In September, my friend Elisabeth died. Quite suddenly. Elisabeth of the endless energy, dozens of projects, always on the go. Elisabeth who spoke four languages, all at the same breakneck speed. Elisabeth. Prominent, respected, productive. Gone.
Then in November, I reached the milestone birthday of the Big Five-Oh. A milestone Elisabeth would have celebrated on April 10th, just a few days from now. I’d planned that we’d have our own party together, just she and I, on some tropical beach.
Eli and I were always saying that we wanted to get together. But we were always too busy. There was always some other more important matter that took precedent. We both thought we had plenty of time. There’s always next year, we’d say.
Psychologists have a term for this kind of “next year” thinking. It’s called “resource slack.” Resource slack works like this: I have no spare time right now. But next year, I’ll have more spare time. “Yes,” we’d say, “that’s it! We’ll be able to plan far ahead and make it happen. We’ll start planning right now. Well maybe not right now. Maybe we’ll start planning six months in advance. That’s far enough ahead right?” But six months would come and go and then it would be June and we’d be saying “next year.”
There is no next year now. Not for Eli. Each delay looked so small, so insignificant. Added all together, those delays mean I’ll never see my beloved friend again, not in this lifetime.
A couple of days ago, Douglas asked me, “What do you want to accomplish in the next ten years?” I’ll be sixty in ten years. I hedged. I equivocated. I changed the subject.
What I really wanted to say was, “I want to have published my books.” Yes, books, with an ‘s.’ Well, I’ll work on my next book…soon… What are all those soons costing me? It’s like spending a couple of bucks for a latte every day and then suddenly realizing that I spent almost $1,100 over a year’s time. (Yep, check the math: $2.95 x 365 = $1,076.75. Oof!)
How will those delays add up in the who-knows-how-many years I have left? When I’m procrastinating, will I be thinking about having all the time in the world? Or will I think about Elisabeth and the tropical beach we would have sat on, savoring the rum we could have been drinking, marveling at the stars in the sky?
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