“What in your life is calling you? When all the noise is silenced, the meetings adjourned, the lists laid aside… what still pulls at your soul?” –Terma Collective, “The Box”
I’m really hooked on accomplishment. The thrill of doing and having done is intoxicating. I totally get a kick out of making a list of actions and then checking each one off, closing out the list with that satisfied sigh. But I detest being called busy.
Busy, if you look it up in the dictionary, means used up and unavailable. I don’t want to be used up–that would mean there’s nothing left of me for later. And I sure as hell don’t want to be unavailable. If there’s one thing that trumps the thrill of accomplishment, it’s the joy of helping people. For me, that means I need to be available, ready, present, aware, and approachable.
One of my clients came into a recent session and expressed the need for a different kind of space and availability in her life. Her mom is terminally ill and together, my client and her family are navigating that path of suffering and sadness and caring and kindness that leads to saying goodbye. I know that path–I walked it a year ago. When I was in my client’s situation, I was ruthless in making myself available. I wiped everything off the schedule. Everything: sleep, writing, running my business, exercise, you name it. I have no regrets about what I did (I’d do it again if needed) but I realize now that becoming available doesn’t have to be so radical, nor should we have to wait for a crisis to cultivate availability.
And that’s not all. Being available for other people and their needs is only part of the equation. My client expressed this so beautifully when she talked about needing, desperately, to be available for herself. To feel what she’s feeling instead of rushing past it. To process what’s happening to her in real time. To grieve. To rest.
Oh yes.
To create that kind of availability, the kind my client needs now and the kind I forgot to give myself last year, requires space.
Block off time in the calendar that is yours alone. When you’re slammed with work or whatever, it seems monumentally selfish to carve out some “you-time.” And yet, that you-time is your availability for yourself. Nobody can give you this time–the only way to get it is to claim it, guard it, and own it.
Be unapologetic about your you-time. And secretive, if that’s what it takes. Yeah, I know. There’s that guilt thing. Here, that guilt is totally misplaced. Ignore it. Dispute it. Order it off the premises.
Resist the urge to fill your you-time with catching up. That empty space will seem oh-so-perfect for working on backlog. But it’s not. Your you-time will only be effective if you actually remain present for yourself. Getting preoccupied with all that yammering stuff will drown out your inner voice–the wise deep you-voice that you need to hear so you can identify what’s really pulling at your soul.
Cultivate your willingness to stay still through the inevitable antsyness that will sneak up on you. Depending on how hooked into doing you are, it may take a while for this restlessness to pass. For goodness sake, don’t give in to it.
And be prepared for that moment when you start to feel as if taking some time for yourself is “waste of time.” Make a list of all the reasons why your you-time is necessary and re-read your list early and often. You may find quotes or affirmations that give you strength. Use those when you start to feel your resolve weakening.
“…these inner yearnings are our living dreams,” writes Kelly Rae Roberts, “our life’s possibility today. If we’re not conscious about their presence in our lives, then they get buried underneath the layers of everyday details.” You and your dreams are too precious to let them get buried. Look at your calendar right now. Don’t wait until later. And you don’t need a huge open slot–an hour or two will do to start–block it off right now. Take time for your own inner-dialog. Be available to hear for your own wise voice. Create space so you can stretch and let your spirit roam.
About Tara Rodden Robinson
Love this! Thanks Tara
Glad you enjoyed it–thanks, Tom!
A couple weeks ago I read where Brene Brown wrote, “I’m working really hard to reframe rest as a necessity rather than something you earn.” (http://bit.ly/IFXqVQ). There are many other things I feel like I have to earn as well, like exercise, entertainment, and other things that improve and prepare me for other productivity. Her perspective of not having to earn these things has been instrumental in overcoming the associated guilt with these things.
Thanks for another insightful and helpful article, Tara. Have a great weekend!
Hi Ricky,
I LOVE Brene Brown. And she is so right: we can’t wait to rest when we’re done because we never get there! Thanks for your comments!
With love,
tara
Tara, this is yet another great inspiration. Thanks for sharing! Why is is that the simple things are often the most powerful…and…the most difficult?!
Last Friday I stumbled upon my own personal triumph in this resting by choosing to fast for a day. I haven’t fasted in YEARS(!) but have done weekend fasts in the past under the guidance of nutritionist. My fast included a vegetable broth made from finely chopped and boiled beets, leeks, potatoes, carrots, kale, chard and garlic. I drank this throughout the day together with ginger tea, but I refrained from eating from sun-down to sun-down.
This fast was in part a celebration of my cultural heritage of a shabbat. I had this idea of not just resting the external self for the day but also resting the internal self for the day. I also choose to rest my eyes from computer work with no screen time.
What I discovered in this process of fasting was a joy in doing nothing. It just wasn’t hard to lay around and read or take a bath because I didn’t have the energy for doing anything else! For someone who is a “do-er” this epiphany was profound. I’ve noticed that I feel guilty when I’m not doing, but if I take it a step further to create the condition of not being able to do then I don’t feel guilty, I feel as though I’m taking care of myself.
The other thing I noticed was gratitude for being able to choose a state of hunger and for not having this choice imposed on me. Wow. Loads of compassion for others who are not as fortunate!
A goal of mine now is to incorporate this full body rest as a part of my weekly routine. This is a big step (perhaps once every other week to start) as I’ve noticed that I need to create space for the set up (prep) and a gracious ease back into the un-rested state; otherwise, my food desires get the better of me, and I tend to put things in my stomach that are a bit jarring after such refrain!
In any case, I also love your comments on being available to others. Your words are good medicine.
Thanks!
Rachael
Hi Rachael,
What a joy to hear from you and thanks for sharing your Shabbat experience! It sounds heavenly! Great note on the preparation: before and after. That is so important and gives the space for transition. Love!
With love,
Tara
Hi Tara,
I’m a brand new reader, and found you through a WDS tweet (I’m an Ambassador, so look for my gold shirt this weekend!). LOVED this post. And the comments. And I need multiple reads of it because it needs to soak in on so many levels.
It’s taken many years to let go of the need to be busy (‘cuz being busy must mean that I’m important, right?
But, it’s so easy for me to slip back into busyness because of a want and need to be deliberately productive, and not being in a good place to do so. It’s a slippery slope, and then when I don’t have the space (read: take care of myself so I make intentional decisions about how I want to spend my time and energy) …slide! Right back down into busyness and burnout.
I’m vaguely conscious of the need to really nail this now, as my son has just finished Kindergarten. Listening to other moms talk about how busy their lives are with their kids’ activities worries me a touch.
I’m excited to have found you, and look forward to lots of food for thought.
Warmly,
Sherrill
Hi Sherrill,
What a joy to meet you! I’ll keep my eyes out so I can say thank you in person! I so hear you about busyness. I use it to defend myself and opt out of so many uncomfortable things (like difficult emotions–ugh!). Would love to have your suggestions and questions for posts that you’d find helpful.
With love,
Tara