Once upon a time…I was a nurse. In an abusive marriage. Living with a yearning.
If you’ve never experienced a yearning, you are both blessed and cursed. Blessed because undefined, crampy, incurable yearnings are gut wrenchingly uncomfortable. Cursed: I can’t imagine not having my yearning, not having the life I live now. I thank my yearning, as painful and ambiguous as it was, for my precious, wonderfully joyous life. But back to the story.
I yearned to study birds. Sounds funny and eccentric and esoteric, no? But there you have it. I had no idea that there were people who actually practiced ornithology and got paid for it–I learned that tidbit later. So instead, I fed my crazy, maddening yearning with birdwatching trips and studying my field guide and peering through my binoculars at the White-throated Sparrows who mobbed my feeders every winter. That was the life I left in Louisiana in February 1990, when I went to Costa Rica on a birdwatching trip.
When we arrived at Rara Avis (a wild journey that deserves its own story), the owner of the reserve, Amos Bien, took one look at me and said, “Are you a biologist?”
“No,” I replied.
“Funny, you look like a biologist to me.”
I must have stared at him like he had two heads. He just smiled. All day long I walked around with that marvel inside me: I was a biologist. I knew it just as surely as I knew that my eyes are blue. The yearning had an echo, an answer. Finally, I knew the sound of my own name.
When I departed Costa Rica, I cried for two weeks.
One Saturday morning, sobbing in my bed, curtains drawn and miserable, the yearning inside me said, “Enough.”
I got up and dialed the phone. My heart was pounding and my hands shook, and not just because it was the first international phone call I’d ever made. When Amos answered, I blurted out, “When you said you’d give me a job, were you serious?”
The connection was bad and the delay was agonizingly long. “Yes,” he said.
Everybody thought I’d lost my mind. I was terrified. It felt like I was jumping off a cliff.
I didn’t even speak Spanish.
But off I went to spend six months in the Costa Rican rainforest. Where I became the resident naturalist at Rara Avis and learned to speak the languages of plants and birds and ecology. I got a divorce. Then I took the GRE and got admitted to graduate school.
Fast forward to 1993. I married my soul mate who just happens to be an ornithologist. In 1999, I graduated with my PhD in Biology.
There’s a lot more to my story (as you’ve probably guessed), but I’ll save it later. Just a little bit about uncertainty before I go. I’ve jumped off several cliffs since that luminous Saturday morning when I called Amos. I’ve learned that there are two sides to uncertainty. The one side is the place where you’re being tied in knots, standing on the edge of the cliff. Do I jump or not? Then there is the uncertainty that is absolutely exhilarating–this is the flying part. You do not know where you’ll land or how your wings will carry you. And it becomes joyous and wild and adventurous.
The truth is: we never know where we’re going or what will happen when we get there. Uncertainty is our constant companion. And our closest friend, should be choose to embrace her and learn her magic.
I love this story, Tara. Thank you so much for sharing about how you bravely followed your heart. So inspiring!
Beautifully written, Tara, and such a great example of flinging headlong into uncertainty. I think you are right that in making an uncertain leap there is fear and exhilaration at the same time. It was good to learn more about your life too.
Welcome back! And what a fabulous post to come back with! Thank you for this marvelous view into your history and an awesome lesson on followings one’s yearnings. Thanks for another weapon to carry in the war against resistance! You are great Tara!
@Thekla: Thanks so much! I'm glad you found it inspiring.
@Kim: Glad you enjoyed it! I'd been feeling so dry and uninspired and then I read Jonathan's call for stories and I was off and running. Yay!
@Brian: You are so sweet! It's good to be back.
With love to you all,
Tara
Yaowzzaaa! Great message, creatively written. Thanks for sharing.
To jump or not to jump is never easy. About 3 years after my wife & I were married we had a “jump or not” situation–one that fortunately brought us closer–which led us to take a series of risks which went against every fiber of both of our natures.
We look back at those 2+ grueling years with gratitude, both for how it eventually worked out and for the legion of decisions it has made easier in the 20 years since.
Maybe I’ll write about it sometime, when I start the blog for which I’ve had this yearning.
Wow. Tara… I never knew. Thanks for sharing your story, and I can’t wait to read more!
@Mark: Your "Yaowssaaa!" thrilled my heart. Seriously! Thanks so much for reciprocating with your own story. I can't wait to read your posts on your blog–keep me in the loop so I can celebrate your success, okay?
@Sandra: Oh, Sandra, thank you sooooo much! I am so grateful for that, "…I can't wait to read more!" from you.
That's high praise! 
With love to you both,
Tara
I think you did pretty darn well. Then as now. XO
Awesome post and just what I needed to hear to trust instincts and gut feelings. Thanks for sharing your story.
@Karen: So glad to hear from you! How are you doing up in PDX? We miss you here in Corvallis!!
@Rebecca: Yay! I love perfect timing!! Many, many blessings for you as you listen to your gut and trust your instincts.
With love to you both,
Tara
Awesome! You rock! Thanks for sharing your story.
Hey Matt,
Thanks for popping over! I'm glad you enjoyed the post. You've got some great vids on your site: great job!
Much success to you,
Tara
Gosh, I thought I knew you!! What a story!
Hi Barb,
Thanks for the comment–glad you enjoyed the post!
Lotsa love,
Tara
Just browsing for thoughts on flying and uncertainty Tara.
Inspiring story. I am working on an idea on the Upside of Uncertainty in a Relationship, I hope to fly one day myself.
Hi Des,
So glad you enjoyed the post. Thanks for stopping by! Here’s to flying high!
Best wishes,
Tara
Tara,
I’ve read and re-read this post and every time the sense of freedom that awaits those who are willing to “take the first flight” must be amazing. But that first step is as they say “a doozie”! I’m very thankful that you were so generous in sharing this. Thank you!
Hi Bill,
I’m so glad you enjoyed the post! Thanks for reading (and re-reading!).
With gratitude,
Tara