I feel like death warmed over this morning. I do not use this phrase lightly, having just laid a beloved one to rest but no other wording comes close to describing how yucky I feel after another night of insomnia. And even so, I’m better than I was.
I know how bad it got because as I’ve gotten better, friends have confessed to me just how worried they were. “You weren’t yourself,” they say. And they are right: I was some golem version of me. I visited that dark place that St. Teresa of Avila talks about–the outer spiritual mansion where all the slithery things live. And this is why I joined the millions of Americans who take antidepressant medication.
I do not tell you this lightly.
I could go back to writing the kinds of posts I was writing before my dad got sick. After all, I have a reputation to maintain. Right? You’d never know what’s going on behind the curtain. Lots of people do that and they get along just fine. And they look great doing it. Upon closer inspection, they also look just a little artificial. Nobody is perfect and attempting to maintain some image, whatever that image might consist of, means that you’ve got to resort to botox and other toxins.
But when I think about pretending to you that I’m not who I am and not how I am, it makes me nauseous. My daddy, God rest his soul, raised me to be honest. Anything less than full disclosure in my dad’s eyes was a lie. I don’t totally agree with his take on that but he sure as hell scripted me very deeply in what being real is. I am, in the end, my father’s daughter.
And I will not be going back to writing trite little tips and tricks posts. I just can’t. I was sick of them before all this hell I’ve gone through (and trust me, you don’t know the half of it). I’d been trying to figure out how to come out from behind myself for months. And then sadness and grief did that for me. Stripped me naked, it did. Woohoo.
So if you’re looking for a productivity guru who pretends like she’s got it all together all the time, then you’ll be happier following Plastic Productivity Pollyanna. (Notice that I resisted the temptation to put a link under that moniker. Points for self-control.)
On the flip side, if you want The Productivity Maven: somebody who knows how to drink beer and eat crawfish (and for the record, I don’t suck the heads), somebody who can get dirty, cry, laugh, be serious, have fun, cuss; a woman who works hard (sometimes too hard), plays hard, is not afraid of long hours, is techy and smart and geeky and cerebral and earthy, maybe even a little bit of a smart ass, then I’m your girl. I’m more like a good craft beer, let’s say–complex and a little hoppy (I try to keep my IBUs in check).
Oddly, I am reminded of Thomas Merton.
"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone."
Amen and amen.
That is a beautiful prayer Tara! I couldn’t help but smile as I read this post. I feel for your grief. Losing my best friend to suicide last year stripped me bare and left me feeling empty and unsure of what to do. You have been able to be honest on here in the way I wish I could. My prayers are always with you, especially in this tough time. Thank you for being you rather then putting on an act, you are doing what you should be and I admire that.
Well Tara, it’s YOU we love and follow… congrats on being authentic xxx Sending love your way,
Allie
Amen!
Hi David,
Thanks for the Amen!
Best wishes,
Tara
Hi Allie,
Thank you SO MUCH! I am so grateful for your encouragement and support.
With love,
Tara
Hi Brian,
Thanks so much for your kind feedback. I'm so glad you enjoyed the prayer–it's one of my favorites. I am so sad for your loss; suicide is especially difficult and heartrending, I think. My prayers are with you, too! And I am grateful for your encouragement, more than you know.
With love,
Tara
Hi Allie,
Thanks!! I appreciate your encouraging words more than you know!!
With love,
Tara
I am sorry for your loss and sadness. We all have a little drama behind the curtain, but with each performance the show gets better. If others imply you have it all together, you may be surprised to find it’s the productivity maven they already see and not the Plastic Productivity Pollyanna guru. Your creative zest for life is on show for all to see, enjoy and contribute to.
Hi Daniel,
Thanks so much for your kind condolences. I'm so grateful for your encouragement and support. Yay for realness!
With best wishes,
Tara
i love your honesty and openness. Have always loves that Merton prayer.
I too have had several times in my life I took antidepressants and both times it was the best thing for me. The more we are open about dealing with depression, the better it will be.
And I prefer your true self in these post – not a mask of yourself.
Hi Dear Jean,
Thank you so much for your feedback and encouragement. I am grateful for your presence here! Sometimes it feels scary to put myself out here like this but I feel so strongly that it's the right thing to do.
with love,
Tara
All I can say is “You go girl!”, with you all the way. Here’s to not coloring inside the lines and an ice, cold beer!
I so appreciate your honesty … Yay for your real voice and wow, love that Merton prayer.