When something significant happens in your life, what’s the first thing you want to do? Most likely, it’s tell someone about it. Not just anybody, either. You want to tell a friend or a family member, somebody who cares. This is a form of what is often called “debriefing.”
Debriefing is an often overlooked method to clarify understanding and to reflect on what’s happened, what it means, and gather insight and learning. I was chatting with a student in my genetics class recently and he told me that his understanding of the subject was greatly improved by chatting with a co-worker about what he was studying. Just the act of thinking aloud, transferring the knowledge to another, made all the difference in his ability to grasp difficult concepts.
To successfully debrief, there are several conditions you need to meet:
- Someone to listen. The person doing the listening doesn’t really need to do anything beyond be present and pay attention. Listening for insight means listening without urgency or agenda, with nothing added. No problem-solving. No advice. Finding such a listener may be a bit of a challenge. One way to get a listening relationship like this is to agree to provide listening for each other.
- Speaking at length. This is an often overlooked skill. When what the last time you spoke at length to someone who was listening intently? When I say at length, I mean ten or fifteen uninterrupted minutes. That kind of speaking may take some practice, but once acquired, you’ll find that being able to speak with authenticity will improve every interaction you experience.
- Trust. Both speaker and listener need to be able to trust each other. Admittedly, this is a hard one to come by. Sometimes, however, all that’s needed is for you to ask for what you need. The request might be something like, “I need to talk about what happened. I don’t want you to ask questions or try fix things. I just need to sort through my thoughts out loud. Is that OK with you?” If all else fails, you can hire a trained listener, like a coach, to help you debrief.
When you fail to debrief, many opportunities for learning are lost. You often have terrific insights immediately after events or experiences. If you debrief, whether aloud with a trusted listener, or on paper, debriefing can help you to live your life more fully and more consciously.
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